TOP 50 VERY SHORT FUNNY "HUMOUR ME" JOKES - short funny jokes, clean jokes, humorous laughing tonics (03)

That annoying moment when you are texting someone and autocorrect decides to join the conversation humorous

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I try to take life one day at a time, but lately several days have attacked me at once

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Wifi went down for five minutes, so I had to talk to my family. They seem like nice people.

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TWO REASONS I DON’T TRUST PEOPLE:

1. I don’t know them
2. I know them

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You don’t have to be crazy to hang out with me...... I’ll train you

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3 OF THE WORST WORDS TO HEAR:
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Tomorrow Is Monday

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RECIPE FOR DRAMA:
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1 cup of gossip, ¼ cup of rumours,and 9kg of jealousy. Mix well and cover in lies. Roast as long as you lack self esteem

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If you have an opinion about my life, please raise your hand.
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Now put it over your mouth

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I hate it when people text me, “call me”. I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say, “text me”’ and then I’ll hang up

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Sometimes, the thoughts in my head get bored and stroll out through my mouth. This is never a good thing

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Just once, I would like to wake up, turn on the news and hear…”MONDAY HAS BEEN CANCELED, GO BACK TO SLEEP.”

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When I’m quiet, those that don’t know me look at me and think I’m shy but people who know me think, “OMG! She’s thinking! EVERYONE RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!

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Sometimes my greatest accomplishment is just keeping my mouth shut

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Doing nothing is very hard to do, you never know when you’re finished

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Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine, into your brain, and that’s where shitty ideas come from

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I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food

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I don’t always talk on the phone, but when I do, I walk everywhere in my house

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The police pulled me over and asked me, “Do you know how fast you were driving?” I said obviously not fast enough because you caught me

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Life is too short to be serious all the time. So, if you cannot laugh at yourself, call me, I’ll laugh at you.

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I don’t understand banks. Why do they attach chains to their pens? If I’m trusting you with my money, you should trust me with your pens

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Unless your name is google, stop acting like you know everything

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Why do people say no offence right before they’re about to offend you?

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They say don’t try this at home. So I’m going to go to my friend’s house and try it.

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I don’t understand those couple that fight and a minute later change their face book status to “SINGLE”. I fight with my parents but you don’t see me change my status to “ORPHAN”

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Hey I’ll be back in 5 minutes but if I’m not, just read this message again

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My advice is to never listen to any advice, not even this one

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I had to clean my house for two hours just to tell guests, “SORRY FOR THE MESS”

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My friend just finished writing his book titled "How to make money,Now he is looking for money to publish it.should I tell him to read the book?

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Last night, I dreamt that Dangote woke me up and said "Boss! Ur food is ready " Please what is wrong with me? Is it typhoid or malaria

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Why do people who sit in front of commercial buses Feel they made it in life?

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To my future wife , I love you very much darling,😘😘 may God continue to spoil all your relationships till we meet. ..😒😒

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That Moment when you dream, Driving Lexus Jeep Then when you wake Up BOOM! You pushing your single bed to the kitchen 😜

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Once u hear "with all due respect" just know dat u re about to b insulted 😲😏

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How to know the last price in Nigeria. If you waka and they don't call you back, that's the last price....Just buy it. 😂

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u always check your man's phone but won't check your child's homework My sister close your eyes lets pray for Satan to leave u alone.

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only in Nigeria u tell someone u suffered while growing up and they reply "u no suffer reach me"as if suffering is a competition

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A day without wine is like…...just kidding I have no idea

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They say that money talks but mine just waves goodbye

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PREGNANCY TEST:
DOCTOR: Looks like you’re pregnant
PREGNANT GIRL: (panics) I’m pregnant?
DOCTOR: It looks like you are though

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EMPLOYER: What’s your biggest strength?
ME: I can see into the future
EMPLOYER: Really? What’s coming up next?
ME: I get the job
EMPLOYER: (under breath) what?

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DENTIST: When was the last time you flossed?
ME: Bro, you were THERE

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Nothing inspires cleanliness more than an unexpected guest

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You never know what you have until……you clean your room

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All my life, I thought air was free until I bought a bag of chips

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My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry

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People say “You can’t live without love.” But….I think “Oxygen” is more important

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If you are not supposed to eat cows, why are they made of food? – Homer Simpson

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HOME:
Where I can look ugly and enjoy it

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Smoking helps you relax…..in the grave

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They say we learn from our mistakes……That’s why I’m making as much as possible, I’ll soon be a genius