TOP 5O VERY SHORT FUNNY DIS JOKES - laughing tonics; laughing pills

The fact that Jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains gives hope to many people.

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No!! I don’t need “ANGER” management. You need to stop pissing me off

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When I feel down and someone tells me to suck it up. I get the urge to break their legs with a baseball bat and then say, “Walk it off”

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Instead of “HAVE A NICE DAY” I think I’ll start saying, “HAVE THE DAY YOU DESERVE” You know, let Karma sort that crap out

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Don’t like me? Cool, I don’t wake up everyday to impress you!

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Q: Did you just fall
A: No! I attacked thre floor

Q: Did you just fall
A: No. The floor just needed a hug

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SARCASM: It doesn’t matter if you don’t like my personality; I have several more
RESPONSE: You’d think with all your multiple personalities, at least one would be likeable

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when I go to a restaurant
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Q: Would you like a table?
A: No, I want the floor

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What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing “K” instead of “OK” ?

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Being blocked and unfriended by some people is like the trash taking itself out

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Common sense is a flower that does not grow in everyone’s garden

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COMMON SENSE is like deodorant; the people who need it most never use it

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If smeone points at your black clothes and asks, whose funeral it is, you just look around the room, and answer, “haven’t decided yet”

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3 A.M. Phone call
Q: Hey! Are you asleep?
A: No! I’m skydiving

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ME: I really want to travel
BANK ACCOUNT: Like……to the backyard?

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Mirrors don’t lie and lucky for you they don’t laugh

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People say everything happens for a reason, so when I punch you in the face, remember I have a reason

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Some people are so full of shit! They should have flushing handles instead of ears

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My mother always told me if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all and some people wonder why I’m so quiet around them

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The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650million years despite not having brains gives hope to many people

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If you like someone, set them free. If they come back to you, it means nobody. Set them free again

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You know how you could smack something to make it work?....I wish I could do that with people

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Sometimes the only thing I can say is “really”?

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SARCASM = The ability to insult idiots without them realizing it.

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I hate when people ask me what I’m doing tomorrow. I don’t even know what I’m doing right now.

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I love it when Someone’s laugh is funnier than the joke

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My death would probably be caused by being sarcastic at the wrong time

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I don’t hold grudges; I just remember things for a very long time

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I’m not lazy. I’m just on my energy saving mode

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Q: Are they twins
A: No, I found the extra kid in the parking lot and thought, “Why not?”

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Brains are awesome. I wish everybody has one

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Some people remind me of old TV sets. You have to hit them a few times until they get the picture

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I need to go on medication so that I can slap people and blame it on the side effects

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You have such a big mouth; you could eat a banana sideways

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Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once

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Some people need a shock collar and I need a remote

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Dear karma, I have a list of people you missed

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When you really want to slap someone, do it and say mosquito

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I may be crazy but crazy is better than stupid

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Some people just need a high-five….in the face

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I’m not really very funny, I just keep recycling jokes

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Sorry sarcasm falls out of my mouth, like stupidity falls out of yours

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I hate it when you have to be nice to someone you really want to throw a brick at.

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I hate two-faced people. It makes it harder for me to decide which side to slap first.

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Some people come into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts. Others come along and we want to leave footprints on their face

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You look like something I drew with my left hand

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NOTE TO SELF:
Just because it pops into my head does not mean it should come out of my mouth

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The difference between Pizza and your opinion is that I only asked for Pizza

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I don’t have an attitude problem, I just have a personality you can’t handle